Darkness Falls

Hello my dear long departed readers I hope your not mad at me for being gone for so long. It's been half a year maybe more since the last time I wrote. Sorry about being gone for so long I mean a lot has happened. I am no longer identifying as a homosexual believe it or not I have opened up to a darker part of myself, the part of Myself that does like the sweet succulent taste of a womans breast. Now that's not to say I've been with any women yet I have had my sights set on a few. There have been a couple how do I put this pretty young things my work which I have not been to in the past week because last Friday I fell off the bandwagon, and tried committing suicide. I am still following my best friend oh now considers me his brother and I consider him mine, Joey. Unfortunately dear reader I do have to admit as I stare at a full moon eerily test with the fuzzy morning fog about my blog may no longer be as late as it once was. Now, unfortunately again, you may find my blog to be somewhat dark. My blog has always been something that I've posted things that I feel in my heart and the things that I hear in my head. My blog will continue to be such a thing, unfortunately yet again, my mind and my heart have darkened a lot. This once gentle, sweet, bright and life hope filled soul Azman darkened my life. I have fallen prey to the worst kind of demon that exists in our world I fell prey to drug abuse, Russian, homelessness, and abandonment. Now that's not to say that it will all be dark and dreary and gloomy topics but expected a lot. What brought me to rain tonight maybe it's the fact that I am freezing my insomnia because my head is filled with thoughts about the fact that tomorrow morning I may be kicked out of the place but the person that I care about most and I will be kicked out of. It could also being due to the fact that I have down half a bottle of Chardonnay have helped down three quarters of a bottle of what is this Sauvignon Blanc nm still for whatever reason holding a bottle have a Pinot Grigio. Perhaps it's the fact that I sit here on the couch in an empty apartment but waiting 9 o'clock to see if the management at this apartment complex is in fact going to show up at the door and kick me out perhaps it's the crippling depression I have even though I tried to keep a happy and hopeful face that is supposed to be strong enough to carry me and Joey. Or maybe it's just because I felt the need to write I mean I tried jacking off for an hour to no avail. But you really wanted to know that right? I hope I don't offend anyone with either the vulgarity is in this post or future posts that I make. I also for some reason carry the hope then maybe you will learn the things that I write, the lessons that I've learned, the lessons that I will learn, the things that I open up to you dear reader about and I hope that you will have the sense enough to please not make the same mistakes I do do not lock the path of a 20 year old who is falling in love failed at love become obsessed, become addicted to not only drugs; but also became addicted to a person. So dear reader please by all means keep reading my blog, learn from the things that I say, and learn through my life my post my musings to have hope for yourself, to remember that even in the darkest of times you're not alone, there is a light, and there is a way to make things right. Dear reader, never give up on hope never give up on the idea of love, on happiness, and I'm faith in yourself to carry on to keep the strength and to keep a smile. In Dear reader, please check back often to see where my life takes me come with me on this dark adventure.

My name is heroine, and I'm an addict.

Lights come up center stage, there is a young man about the age of 20 lying on the ground in a bathroom and a white figure standing above him, looking at him

FIGURE: (Looks up at the audience) This is what his life came to. He gave his all to someone he loved and didn't get it in return, He tried to find love in another person but that was left in the dark. Cold and alone in the world, I turned to the one thing that I had thought would be my saving grace, the one thing that helped me escape from the darkness that was all around me. (White figure steps over the body and walks forward) I still remember the first time I did it. I was with the person that I thought was my best friend, the feel of the needle going into my arm felt kind of good, I remember getting a head rush because of the prick. Watch the needle get pulled back and seeing my blood fill the syringe was kind of a rush too. To think that I was going to trade just a little blood for such a good feeling. I remember whispering, 'Push it'. Then the brown liquid disappeared into my body and the feeling of lonliness was replaced by a head rush that you just couldnt imagine, My head finally stopped talking to me, stopped being loud, It was all quiet. A smile had even crossed my face. I kept doing it, because it felt good. What I hadn't realized was that after a bit of time, the amount that I was putting into my body had increased, as had the damage. I go so into it that I had started to push people away, I had become this being of lonliness and darkness. I didn't need anything or anykme but the drugs. And this is how it all turned out. I just wish I could've stopped myself in the beginning. Could've seen what I was doing to myself. But, I didn't And now I'm like this. I'm gone higher than ever before. * Lights fade out* 

Stuff and more things

Hello people how are you I am still alive I swear sorry about not posting as usual I just been a little bit busy my job moved into a new apartment got a new job now it miss heard on the night before a happy about that I hope everyone had a good Christmas Hanukkah Kwanzaa all that stuff you'll especially being that I'm a wiccan. I had a good Christmas with my family though, we handed out presents to the homeless and it was awesome. The story and pictures that go with that are to come... as soon I get my hands on more. Life pretty much is still going good. Keeping hope that things will get better. I hope you guys are good.

LONG AWAITED LIFE UPDATE (DONT BEAT FOR NOT POSTING)

GUYS GUYS!!!! I"M STILL ALIVE AND I"M SO SO SO SO SO SO SORRY FOR NOT POSTING THERES BEEN A LOT THAT HAS HAPPENED (so so much)


FOR STARTERS!!!!

REmember that job I had? Yeah I lost that, apparently Arizona is a Right To Work state which means, for those of you that dont know, that an employer can fire and employee for any reason. (Which sucks)

BUT WAIT THERES MORE!

Two weeks before getting fired.... I moved out of my old roommate's house (I'm sad because this means that I dont get to see my old landlord who I had a slight crush on) and into an apartment with my Best Friend, his name is Joey. (he's awesome)

BUT WAIT THERE"S MORE!!!

I don't have a car because someone drove my car and got into an accident and it was impounded...


BUT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU AMAZING READERS OF MINE!!!
Its okay.
I"ll be okay.

I"m not giving up hope, especially not in this time of year. Yule, Hanukkah and Christmas, I"M STILL EXCITED FOR THEM EVEN IF I DONT HAVE MONEY TO GET PEOPLE THINGS...

I'm going to make things... i'll post things that I make, but not until after the holidays.


I love you guys, AND I SWEAR I"M GOING TO POST MORE... Joey has promised that he will remind me to post at least once a week. 

THE STORY SO FAR

*Carry On My Wayward Son blares from the TV, a group people in their early twenties sit/lounge on the couches as the colour from the TV lights up the room*


THIS HAS BEEN MY LAST WEEK (along with other shows not just Supernatural).

I'm moving out of my mom's house, and in with some friends of mine. It's gonna be pretty freaking sweet. I" so excite about it.


ALSO I TURNED 20 YESTERDAY.... I feel oddly old, last night when I was driving home from (at midnight because I decided that like a normal person I'd take over time on my birthday instead of going home early, or asking for the day off, I was remembering how not but two years ago I wasn't going to make it to this point. I remembered how things would've sucked because I would've committed suicide, and I wouldn't have moved out to Arizona, and got the amazing job and friends that I have today.

I don't think I've been this happy in a really long time!

Now that I don't live with my momma anymore I'll definitely be able to post more. I also don't have a boyfriend, and I'm really liking that. I just have time for myself.


ONE OF THE THINGS THAT I"M GOING TO BE POSTING THAT'S NEW IS WHEN I GET A FUNNY CALL AT WORK, I"M POSTING IT HERE SO HAHAH YEAH THERE"S SOME LAUGHS COMING YOUR WAY. 

Define Yourself.

ALRIGHT ALL YOU PEOPLE OUT THERE, I"M COMING BACK TO THE LABELS TOPIC.
Labels are something that we see in our everyday lives, we have labels for everything, foods, cars, Phones, Companies etc etc etc... And that's where they need to stay.

"Define me, With all your words, then find me a lesson to be learned"

I remember being in highschool and giving myself the label of "Gay" or "Homosexual" with label came the labels that others decided it'd be nice to call me. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?! That's all they are, labels, words. And they shouldn't be used for people, they should stay with inanimate objects in our day to day lives.

The only label we should have is Human. Because that's what we all are, human, Gay, straight, bi, pan, trans, asexual, whatever, they're just words, We're all HUMAN, that's what we are.

"Try to brand me and burn, but i wont let it hurt me"

On another note, because there are people who will always try to give you a brand, whether it be their least favourite, or their most favourite, they'll do it. Don't let what someone else calls you, don't let their label be a brand that you carry with shame. I remember when people would brand me as "Fag" or "Queer", and you know what? I didn't care. Honestly I didn't. I knew in my heart that some part of them was uncomfortable with their life in someway so they had to make someone else feel uncomfortable, or miserable. Don't let their life's miseries hurt you, just remember that they feel the need to label you because they themselves are striving to get a different label, it may not even be one that they want, but they just want the attention.

"Define me as God’s child
I am human and we’re all in the wild
This Earth is as much mine as yours in the end
So let’s unite as friends

But if I can lie in nature’s bed
Without the roses killing me dead
I think the Earth has got a point
And we’re a moving joint

And if I can say my prayers at night
I think I’m doing something right
Let’s open up a song of safety
And carry through the night "

Remember you are the child of your higher power, whatever that may be. if you can live your own life, then you'll do great, as long as you can sleep and be happy with yourself, then the label shouldn't matter. 

Do what makes you happy people, don't be afraid of being judged, because at the end of the day the only person who will matter, is not the people who are handing out labels like a grocery stocker in Walmart, 

but yourself. YOU SHOULD BE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN YOUR LIFE, THE ONLY LABEL YOU SHOULD HAVE IS THE ONE YOU GIVE YOURSELF.

Don't listen to what they say, be your own person, if you ABSOLUTELY NEED a label, give yourself one, and live by it.

My current label? Me. That's my label, I am who I am and I"m so totally and completely fine with that. Because then other people can't shadow my mood with their labels.

HERE WE GO A VIDEO